What do the letters BMW stand for? Well, if you ask them it is either Bavarian Motor Works in English or Bayerische Motoren Werke in German. Those three letters, however, have meant different things to owners in the past -- and some of those things weren't very complimentary. I was reminded of this because I don't have very good things to say about my BMW right now.
The first alternate definition of the BMW acronym I can remember is "Balance My Wheels" That started in 1977. The new 320i in 1977 wasn't one of BMW's best efforts. Like many cars of that "new smog controls" era, it didn't run that well. But compounding the not running well problem was that it seemed almost impossible to balance the wheels. Remember that this was the "Drive 55" era too. Most of us were really trying to drive about that speed, and the 320i's wheels just shook like crazy at that speed. BMW changed tires, shaved tires, and balanced an awful lot of wheels, but it seemed like it rarely helped a lot. Another thing that didn't help a lot was the quote circulated from a German BMW official saying that nobody should drive a BMW that slow anyway.
The really insulting thing was that an independent graduate student in California using a new structural analysis computer system studied the 320i several years later and found that the problem wasn't in the wheels/tires at all, instead in the transmission mounts that resonated at about 55 miles per hour. Any slight wheel imbalance aggravated the problem that was started by a small bump. One might think that BMW engineers would have investigated the problem and solved it themselves, but then the cars in Germany never were driven at sustained 55 miles per hour, so nobody was complaining there. Alas, that solution to the problem didn't show up until after I sold my 320i.
Another somewhat insulting definition of BMW from about the same time was "Break My Windows". This came about when BMW offered a very nice Blaupunkt radio/cassette system as their optional sound system in all of their cars. The "standard" system of that time was no sound system, of course. The problem was that the Blaupunkt was really nice and self-contained in the single standard-sized box in the dashboard. In fact, it was so nice that it was very attractive to thieves who could easily sell it to not so ethical people who wanted a Blaupunkt in their cheap cars. The Blaupunkt was stolen by breaking either of the front door windows, opening the door (there also were no alarms then) and easily popping the box out of the dashboard.
What could BMW do? Really not much. But what they did do in later models is to use more theft proof systems that required a security code be entered if the front-end unit in the dashboard had the power removed. This considerably reduced theft, but also inconvenienced people who had their batteries go dead in their cars and had misplaced (or never got from the previous owner) the security code for the radio. To get the code, a trip to the local dealers was required to remove the radio and contact BMW central to get the code. Only dealers were allowed to get the code and they usually charged for this service.
The last alternative interpretation of the BMW letters I know of has been used when the owner's particular car is broken when it shouldn't be. That's when he names it a "Bavarian Manure Wagon". That's what I'm calling my 2000 540i right now.
Two weeks before the CPO warranty expired, the car died in my driveway. You could turn the key, but nothing happened other than the lights going on and the radio playing. There was no sound at all from the starter. That meant that BMW Roadside Assistance towed the car to New Century BMW in Alhambra. I got a call the next day from them asking that I bring the second key to make sure that the problem wasn't with the code chip in the key. I did try the second key before I had the car towed, but I took it there anyway. When I got there, a bunch of wiring was in the area below the steering wheel, and a poor technician was there with a little meter trying to figure out what was wrong (isn't the fancy computer diagnosis equipment supposed to do this?). Of course the second key didn't work any better than the first one. Later then next day I was told that the problem was traced to the computer module that controls the "immobilizer" that is the anti-theft system based on the key chip. The car sure was immobilized! That replacement was over $300 plus who knows how many labor hours that the technician charged. I'm glad I didn't have to pay for that!
Just a month or so later the "check engine" light came on, though the car continued to run well. It went off after a day or so, so I forgot about it. But then it came on again and stayed on. I thought I'd better figure out what the problem was, so into the dealer the BMW went. The diagnosis was quicker this time – the air flow meter (actually a sensor that was part of it). That one was a $400 plus item. Again, fortunately BMW paid the bill because it is an emissions part. Again I said that I was glad I didn't have to pay for that!
Over Christmas weekend, the air conditioning decided to just deliver cool air instead of cold. The day after Christmas, the BMW was at the dealer again. I was told that the controls were set wrong inside the car causing the problem, but that the car's major service was due soon. The next day, I paid a $700 plus bill and found that the air conditioning still didn't deliver cold air when the controls were set correctly. Then, less than a week later, leaving home in the morning, I noticed that the coolant temperature gauge was pegged at maximum hot. Hmmm. The car was cold as it spent the night in the driveway, not in the garage. Also, there was no indication of a problem on the computer display. Also there was no "check engine" indication. I stopped and found that there was almost no coolant in the car, so I filled it with water and drove gently home – with the gauge still pegged. Later in the day when the car was certainly cold, I turned the key on and the temperature gauge read full hot again. More hmmm. The next day, I had the car towed to the dealer.
I am told that the car got so hot that the coolant tank split causing the coolant to be pumped out. Interesting that there was no steam ever coming from the car. Also I am wondering why this problem happened so soon after the car was supposedly checked from bumper to bumper. I have the checklist to "prove" that. Also I am wondering why the computer never indicated any problem. Oh, and by the way, the air conditioning still hasn't been fixed. The car is at the dealers still (16 days and counting) with them saying that it isn't their fault, but that they need to replace the coolant tank to do more diagnosis. My confidence is running out. Bavarian Manure Wagon indeed.
Just last weekend I talked to another BMW owner about my problem and he related a problem with his 7-series. He has had numerous "glitches" with the iDrive computer system. Recently he took it into Santa Monica BMW to have it fixed. He was told that it needed a "software update". That was done and the car returned with a different iDrive computer problem. Back for the second time and the software was updated again. That problem was fixed, but there was a yet another new problem. So, it was back again for a software update again. This was successful at fixing the problem, but causing a third problem. Note that each time required making an appointment for a special technician who is trained to fix those sophisticated 6-series and 7-series cars.
After three fruitless attempts to fix the iDrive software, my friend decided to try South Bay BMW. That isn't a short easy drive from Santa Monica where he lives, but their reputation seemed to be better than Beverly Hills BMW. This time he decided to watch the technician hook up the computer and diagnose the problem. Almost immediately the technician said, "Wow! Somebody really messed up the software on this car!" After some work, the car was returned with no iDrive problems at all.
This experience makes me wonder if the Bavarian Manure Wagons are really the problem, or if it really is dealer competence -- or incompetence as the case may be. All the fancy new dealerships with endless service bays don't instill confidence in me that their very expensive service will be done properly.
On the other hand, you do know what SAAB stands for, don't you? It's "Sure Ain't A BMW".
The interesting final quote from my friend, however, is that his lease is coming due very soon and while he was seriously questioning whether he would get another BMW, his conclusion right now is that he will. He says that he was ready to get almost anything else after the service hassles, but after driving the car for a week or so afterward, driving a BMW is so good that you forget about the problems. I wonder if I will feel that way.
